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Of all the alien leaders in the Galaxy today, there is one that shines with more style, sophistication, and flair than all the others. His name is spoken on a hundred different worlds, and some of those are not even under his control. He has survived palace conspiracies, hostile skin colour changes, acid rain, last-minute lava flows, planetary destruction, the vacuum of space, death, and other personal obstacles. Through all of this, he has managed to keep his empire intact and his outfit clean and pressed. We are speaking of none other than the glorious and fabulous Leader Desslok of Gamilon himself.
Recently, the Leader granted our offices an interview. Here we present it so the Galaxy may see and hear the overlord they have come to fear and love.
I began this interview as I was escorted into the Leader's
private bathing chamber. There he was, surrounded by a harem of
men providing drinks, massages, and the telephone without which I am
told he is almost never seen. I was told that we must wait until he
had finished his phone call and rub down, and I did not dare
interrupt. He put the handset back into the arms of his attendant,
looked at us, and then stood up from the wading pool, naked.
Gamilon towel boys rushed in to dry the Leader before he could take more than
two steps. I strode forward to greet us, and so I wondered if he
intended to do this interview without clothes. But, once again,
Gamilon servants rushed in from both sides and dressed him in fine
black pajamas. He motioned for us to join him in his what appeared
to be the imperial bedchamber. He reclined on a large chez lounge
made of solid Gamilon platinum. White roses lay strewn about the room.
Desslok:
Shall I assume you are with the press? You may approach us!
Intergalactic Inquirer:
You Leadership, thank you for allowing us the privilege of speaking with you tonight.
Desslok:
Thank you. It is indeed an honour and I welcome it! Please, won't you join me here on the Desslok Couch?
I.I.:
Thank you, your Leadership. You have been Leader of Gamilon for quite a long time. Why don't we begin with whatever you consider to be your Moment of Definition... the point you consider that history will begin to remember you.
Desslok:
Hmmm. I had been Leader for 103 years (that's Gamilon years, of course), rightful heir to the throne of Tanlok, my mother. During half of that time, we had expanded our borders, we civilised many, many planets. The Gamilon Empire was greater than it had ever been. We had established our civilisation in all the known inhabitable worlds of the two Magellenic Clouds, and had begun to move into the larger Milky Way Galaxy. That's when we encountered Earth.
I.I.:
Yes, and that changed things...
Desslok:
Yes, eventually. Earth seemed so uncivilised. Fighting amongst themselves, petty rivalries, military arrogance, divisiveness, poor taste, and a strong desire to seek out new worlds to which to spread that decadent culture.So, we decided -- just remake it from scratch.
I.I.:
Remove its population, you mean.
Desslok:
Yes. Saturate the planet with radiation first. Then, with Cosmo DNA, we could remove our radiation and remake the planet in our image. But... it all went wrong.I trusted important matters to others, and the Star Force managed to make it all the way to Gamilon.
I.I.:
So, you once said they thought you were dead. How did all that happen?
Desslok:
Oh, yes, that was in the year of the White Comet... Oh, one moment, the drink bearer is here. Would you like a Desslok Toddy? Sweetened only with natural Royal Bee Jelly. The natural red colour says "100% organic"! Delicious.
I.I.:
Thank you. I've never had that before. It is quite good.
Desslok:
Well, where were we. Oh, yes, the White Comet. Well, a year previous, a long and bitter year, on the verge of completing its mission to Iscandar, the Star Force was trapped on Gamilon where I waited to take my revenge. But, once again, the Argo fought free of the trap laid out by some misguided, defeatist officer... a General Krypt, I think it was.
I.I.:
Krypt? That's an odd name.
Desslok:
Oh yes, I know... Krypt had this brilliant idea of dropping missiles on the Star Force as they flew above my capitol city. The missiles mostly missed the Argo, and wrecked my city. Then, the Star Force shot a volcano with their Wave Motion Gun (Krypt had never heard of a "Wave Motion Gun", and so he neglected to take that into account). Anyway, you can imagine what happened then -- fire, lava, acid storms, earthquakes -- the redecorating bills were hideous -- all that smoke damage! And the city was just never the same.
I.I.:
Man, you must have been pissed! What happened to Krypt?
Desslok:
You know, it's people like him that have kept us from winning. Oh, we all laughed about it later. But, at the time, I made him clean the floors of the tactical centre on his back! Ha ha ha! Oh, you should have just seen his cape afterwards -- big hole in the back of it! Haven't heard from the fellow in quite a while; I am afraid we've... lost touch. Which reminds me: Like I always say -- If you want something done, you have to shoot somebody yourself.
I.I.:
Uh huh. Okay, so, how does this explain your death?
Desslok:
Oh, well, the sheer embarassment of it all, you know. No, actually, I narrowly escaped with part of my space fleet. The Star Force went on to Iscandar, where Starsha gave the the precious Cosmo DNA, the only thing that would remove the radioactive pollution from Earth.Then, on their way back to Earth, at the rim of the Solar system, I tried to defeat the Star Force one last time. I fired my new Desslok Cannon (a Gamilon Wave Motion Gun). But the Argo's Magnetic Gilt Reflector force-field reflected the energy back at my flagship, destroying it with its own weapon. The Star Force had every reason to believe they had seen the last of me.
But, just before my ship was blasted into cosmic dust -- okay, I'm being a little dramatic here -- I pulled the nearest lever and warped my ship and myself into the fourth dimension. Surprisingly, the fourth dimesion looks a lot like regular space... But, floating there, I was rescued on orders from Prince Zordar, of the Comet Empire.
I.I.:
The Comet Empire. Oh, now it's all starting to come together.
Desslok:
They basically revived me from the coldness of space, and gave me new clothes, a new cape, and a really stylish looking new flagship.
I told them, "I have survived only for the purpose of destroying the Star Force. This I pledge to you and to the Comet Empire."
I.I.:
And, they believed you?
Desslok:
Oh, yes. Zordar adored me. It was that trollip, Invidia, who was the problem... That's her picture over there... She followed my every move. She put spies on my flagship, she interfered with my plans... and that dress! Oh! What, has she got Tim Allen as her tailor?! Darling, the arrow motif was out, even in the 70s. And, just what IS that thing on her forehead?
Let me give you an example. We were just about to defeat the Star Force when we were called back! We had the Star Force trapped in an ingeniously rigged tunnel satellite. It was my secret plan. They couldn't make repairs to the damaged caused by the starflies while they were still in flight. So, even if General Garrot's plan failed in one way, it would help us succeed in another. The satellite was a natural repair dock.
I.I.:
A dock?
Desslok:
Yes, once inside, we activated the electromagnetic field that firmly held the Star Force inside while I warmed up my Desslok Cannon. I called them to let them know once again just who it was who was about to defeat them. Treleina of Telezart would wait in vain. Perhaps I would call her and offer their regrets! Ha hmmm hmmmm. Oh, well there was only one way they could escape, by using the recoil force of their Wave Motion Gun to push them out, just like a Bee Person in a Bee Jelly Shooter. They started their countdown far too late. I was 10 seconds away from pulling the trigger. It was going to work this time! You will never know how long I had waited for that moment!
Then, what do you think happens? That jealous meddler calls me up wanting to exchange jokes and the latest gossip! Needless to say, Miss Fashion-Don't delayed me just long enough for the Star Force to blast its way out!
I.I.:
Man, you must have been pissed!
Desslok:
Had Morta been one of my own... Well, that wasn't the worst of it, of course. You'll recall that Invidia ordered me back to the Comet Empire under false pretenses. She had me thrown into prison on false charges.
I.I.:
That evil woman, keeping Desslok imprisoned?!
Desslok:
Oh, I needn't tell you what their prison system is like. Cold food, plain yellow mustard, fluorescent lighting, POLYESTER BED SHEETS! What a vile, uncivilised place that was!
She and her pillow-biting lackies had convinced Zordar that I simply gave up the campaign to defeat the Star Force, and that I was unworthy of his admiration. I knew, of course, that she'd soon move to have me killed before I could talk to Prince Zordar. So, I made my move the first chance I got. Talan was there, and we escaped with her Royal Highness to the plane docks. You should have seen the look on her face yelling "Get dem! Get dem! Before dey escape!" as she practically flew down the ramp when I let her go.
Planetary Inquirerer:
Okay, now that reminds me: Starflies.
Desslok:
"Starflies? ...quite amusing. And in those days, anything that amused me was most welcome. Even starflies.Starflies are these little spaceborne organisms that glow. If I were an Earther, I would say they were "cute" since they are reminiscent of the fireflies on their precious Earth. However, such feelings, fortunately, do not hamper us. Anyway, one of the little people in my fleet, a General Garrot, I think, seeking to gain my favour, devised a plan to loose a swarm of starflies, infected with a metal-corrosive bacteria, on the Star Force.
I.I.:
Insidious. That must have been riot.
Desslok:
The Star Force took the bait, alright, resulting in system-wide electrical failure. I called them up to let them know just who was about to defeat them. They thought I was dead -- that's what I wanted them to think -- it was the perfect plan to catch them unaware! But, Garrot's starfiles had also infected my own fleet, and, well... the Star Force got away again.
I.I.:
Heh Heh heh! You must have been pissed. Ha ha ha..What happened to Garrot?
Desslok:
[giggles]. Oh, I know, it was positively scandalous! But, you know, we all laughed about it later. That Garrot, he was always such a prankster. Can't remember what ever happened to him... we've lost touch.
I.I.:
Okay. Skin colour. Oh, you're grimmacing. I assume that's a touchy subject.
Desslok:
No, it's just that everybody asks that. It wasn't just my skin, it was my hair too, and that of all Gamilons. Several years ago, we used a type of lighting that really made things look orange. It was a passing fancy. It made me more of the colour of Queen Starsha of Iscandar. It was a novelty at the time, but we got rid of it at about the time of a great spat between Starsha and I. You should have seen what it did to General Krypt, though. Violet! Yes, he looked like that beast on that uncivilised Earth programme...
I.I.:
Barney?
Desslok:
Yes, that's it, Barney. Made him look more intiminating, in hindsight.
I.I.:
Okay, let's change the subject. How did you become such a nice guy?
Desslok:
I'm not sure what you mean by that, really. But, if you mean in reference to the Star Force, I think it was just fate. Or, maybe it was just time. I thought I was different from everyone else.
I.I.:
If you'll excuse my forwardness, you are quite different.
Desslok:
I mean Gamilons are different. And, I thought that my love for Gamilon was stronger, and more noble than Earthers' love for Earth. I've fought lang and hard to save Gamilon. I thought anything I did was right. Maybe I would do it again, but I don't think so. We had fought the Star Force to a standstill. Talan urged me to stop fighting. I had effectively won. The Star Force was helpless. There was nothing to stay for. The battle was over, nothing to stay for... Krypt said the same thing but I dismissed it as defeatist talk. It wasn't enough. But, then, that day, seeing the Earthers and their love of themselves and Earth made me remember that there is a better way of life.
Love is the first casualty of a war. Oh yes, I know. War does not allow us to be our better selves. To fight well, you must be hard and tough, never doubting your leaders... never questioning. But some day, war must end. "Now," I told Nova, "Yes, we can make a start today."
I had thought the Earthers uncivilised, but now saw that not to be the case. Perhaps that was the most important factor.
I.I.:
And, you just left. Walked away. No resentment, no grudges.
Desslok:
I still had much of my empire intact. Plus, how can I justify further aggression when the wounds inflicted upon me were in the self-defense of a civilised society?
I.I.:
Let's talk about Empire for a moment. You built Galman, the most technologically advanced civilisation at the time. Did you ever foresee such an accomplishment?
Desslok:
At first, no. After the incursion of the Black Nebulan Empire, I had lost Gamilon and Iscandar entirely. All of our culture, all of our science, all except what we had carried off to our remote colonies, gone. Most importantly, we had no home. Now, finding Galmania was pure luck, and at first I thought it no more than another conquest. But, when we found that it was very likely our world of origins, we immediately had a home again, something to cherish.
I.I.:
The Earthers didn't understand your continued aggression.
Desslok:
Oh, yes, I know... But, the planets we conquered were so uncivilised. Not one of them like Earth... not one until Guardiana. I think that Wildstar finally understood my motivations when he saw that I do not attack Guardiana or other peaceful, civilised worlds. The Bolar worlds, on the otherhand, well, where is the civility in that. Look at the clothes they wear! Have you ever seen such gaudy uniforms?!
I.I.:
But, since when has aggression itself been civilised.
Desslok:
Now, you're starting to sound like Starsha.
I.I.:
That's not an answer, Desslok.
Desslok:
How can I put this? Our "aggression" is only against those who impose an uncivilised lifestyle on their worlds. Furthermore, it is limited only to those worlds which comprise our zone of security and resources. Unlike other empires which just keep expanding and expanding. I will admit that in former days, we were less restrained, but those days are past. With all the lessons learned, I suppose I should set about writing them down in a diary.
I.I.:
Fair enough. So, what about the future?
Desslok:
We've just about completed the repairs to the damage to Galmania brought on by the Red Galaxy. We have about 200 years before that Galaxy finally passes through most of the Milky Way. In that time, we can be sure that there will be many more catastrophes. What we really need is the ability to either move planets or divert the flow of the Red Galaxy. Currently, our best scientists are seeking ways to do both. I think mobile worlds is the most practical. And, that's all I will say at the moment.
I.I.:
Well, Leader Desslok, it has been a pleasure talking with you. Your story has surely been an inspiration to all of us who are Supreme Leaders at heart.
To our viewers, we thank you for tuning in and want to remind you to tune in next week for a special feature, Princess Invidia's Gamilon Jokes. That's next... ACKKKK...
Desslok:
Are we still recording? Ah, well, you know, Talan keeps reminding me to get that hole in the floor fixed. It can be so uncivilised when things like this happen.
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